There are friends that we have and just can’t live without. It’s not because of their positive aspects but because of the bad they bring. Maybe they make us feel better about our own dire situations, I don’t know, but for some reason we keep them around because, lets face it. We love the drama……!
1) The friend that can’t function within a group....
They are an absolute dream one-on-one, the perfect friend, happy, easy to talk to, sober, but as soon as there are more than 3 other people in the room, they start to play up. This ranges from being a hyperactive version of themselves, to being completely silent or just making such idiotic comments. More to the point, they have absolutely no idea how to behave around strangers.
They do their best to ruin occasions for celebration, e.g on a night out to ensure all eyes are on them, they always end up drunk and miserable, crying over something that is so irrelevant and trivial, I’m stumped for a witty analogy that would adequately highlight their stupidity.
2) I am broke....
This type of friend is not poor but just really bad with money. They know the rents due, bills are due but still buy a Gucci handbag or Hermes belt. The idea of having financial obligations is a foreign concept; if they want something they will buy it, especially if they don’t need it. Despite the fact the phrase they say most is ‘I’m broke’ they ALWAYS seem to have money to buy more things and still get by despite their reckless spending.
3). The hoe (female, male and transgendered)....
Every single person on this earth has a friend/close acquaintance that is considered a hoe (I know its not the politically correct term, but harlot seems archaic and suggests they receive payment) and if you think you don’t have a hoe friend, the probability is that you are the hoe in question.
As much as you love your hoe friend to bits, you would never ever leave them around your significant other. However hoes are such joys to be around and are genuinely good people. And for all you cleaver so and sos who ask ‘what is a hoe’, I’m not going to try and define one, but believe me I know they exist…(in different area codes)!
4) Always on a diet....
So the clique decide to go out for a meal and you’ve saved up your calories for the week and you’re all going to play make-believe and pretend you don’t care about your waistlines and can eat what you like. Oh but not this friend, the size zero wannabe obsessed twit is as quick as an anorexic on speed to constantly repeat ‘Oh no I can’t eat that, far too many calories’ and makes you feel like there is something wrong in enjoying food. They often shoot condescending looks at the plumpest person at the table as if to say ‘are you really going to eat that’.
5) The Religious Fanatic....
Suddenly everything is forbidden and everyone is going to hell. They have made it their task to be a walking, talking spy for whichever God they have chosen to serve and constantly judge even though one of the main tenets of their faith is that they aren’t supposed to.
However you keep them around just in case your clique is in a dreadful car accident and their presence in the vehicle saves you all from an early demise.
6) The Bitch....
She is absolutely horrible to everyone, her friends, her family, puppies, work colleagues, even her boyfriend. She has a tongue as sharp as a razor, intent on destroying every being it comes into contact with. We only keep her around because she appeals to our wicked nature, as her cruel comments concerning the sartorially challenged choice of clothing can make nights out extremely entertaining. However when she turns on you……..Well, you wonder why someone hasn’t assassinated her yet.
7) The Pushover...
The kindest soul in the universe, yet you exploit them. You make them baby-sit your kids, borrow from them and never return (Yes Money) and drive you places you can’t pronounce. Fortunately/unfortunately (it’s all relative) pushovers are a dying breed as everyone is far too opinionated nowadays. Blame it on the credit crunch, its now everyone man/woman for themselves!
8) Always on the phone...
Their phone is either glued to their ear or fused to their fingertips. They are restricted neither by location, time or battery life (they carry their charger).
They normally own 2-3 mobiles, each with a different network, two are line rental and one is pay as you go. They justify having 3 phones because, one is for close family/friends, the other associates and the last for people they don’t want to speak to. Despite their mobile hierarchy they seem to be on all of them for equal amounts of time.
In spit of the fact their enormous phone bills are self-inflicted they still have the audacity to complain.
Love Life
Olori Amope xx
Follow me on twitter @oloriamope
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