Never Let a Man Define Who You Are.

I do hope I am not sounding like a sexist, please don’t get me wrong I do love men, but I am always in support of girl power. Yes you heard right!

So I have had this on my mind for a while after watching Nollywood (African Hollywood), Nollywood movies are predictable, some don't even make sense and sometimes I always feel this cannot happen for real, and then minutes later I'm like hang on, it happened to so and so, oh I have experienced something similar. I have one way or the other experienced what I blog about or have close relationship with someone who has. At a particular stage/age in my life I realized that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away and if he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. We as a woman need to stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle: If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay in a relationship because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? (I know some people will attack me for this statement). Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. 

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later: I always think this statement is a bit unfair on the men… but then again speaking from experience and I mean personal experience I’m afraid to say its very true, they do use it against you and I personally think such  man is an insecure egocentric bastard (Pardon my words). Don’t get me wrong I am not saying hide things from your man, all I am saying  is have your own cherished little secret. 

You cannot change a man's behavior: Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. I cannot stress this enough, a man will always be a man and trust me you cannot change him, (Only God ) and of course unless he wants to change himself, then you can help him.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...Compromise is a two way thing; you should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Oh I love dating, dating is fun, you get to know more about each other, enjoy each others company from the usual norm and this goes to married couple as well, never stop dating each other, date night, holiday, weekend away etc. its fun. Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. (My Opinion).

The Fear of Being Alone:  As this has always been my fear, I am so glad one way or the other I was able to overcome it, ( I am not completely there yet) see happiness is a choice and comes from within, “oh I am so lonely, oh I’m bored, who will have me if I let him go? The fear of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in hurtful relationships. My mother once said to me that “no matter how much you love a man or how much he loves you always know that you are the best thing that could ever happen to anyone  and make him (the man) understand that if he maltreats you he will never find anyone  better”. And trust me if you make that known to them and they still maltreats you, and then he'll miss out on a good thing, after all the bible also says "He that finds a wife, finds a good thing". If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one, they're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts... 

PS: Never let a man define who you are. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

Love Life & Mulberry

Olori Amope.

Snooping! A very bad and terrible must stop habit.

I was having a conversation with two close friends of mine (luckily a male and female) about Snooping in a relationship, from a man’s perspective he said it’s a no no, from a woman, I did agree however to some extent… there might be a reason behind it, we noticed my female friend kept mute, I wondered what was going on. So I asked Liz (I have just used a random name for confidentiality) I hope you are ok, can see you are not contributing.

Alas… Liz has a whole lot to say…..

My past relationships and my last marriage hasn’t exactly been the best of them all, I have previously been with men who constantly cheat and think once they tell you they love you or spend their entire time with you then it is alright for them to cheat with other girls. Some I have had the privileged to catch them and others got away with it by lying. I have this gift, I say it’s a gift because I know it is (Lol) if a man is lying to me I can easily tell, especially if they are an open book, (Easy to read).

"My new relationship was going on well, I had no reason to doubt" (mainly because we had dated before and we had always loved each other)

However there was a hiccup….. Another chick (Apparently just friends)
So he told me about this lady and how they met and he was going to travel over 4000miles to see her and potentially date her… ok that got me really jealous like no man had ever done that for me before (with genuine intentions), but we continued seeing each other and hoping things will go according to plan which eventually did, met his family and extended, friends, took a life time commitment out for me in his name. So with all these I had no doubt he loves and want to spend the rest of his life with me.

Paranoia & Insecurities………..
These two are bitches, they can ruin something good and they almost ruin mine (I was determined not to let them) … for some reason I knew he was not telling me the real truth, but because he knew a whole lot about my past I felt is he saying/doing things to protect me or is he telling the truth I was not sure.

One day I accidentally glanced at his phone when he was beside me and I noticed he was chatting to this dear lady of his, so the next day I innocently asked about the lady and the response I got did not tally. So stupidly I developed an habit of snooping around in my relationship and I finally got caught one morning, he caught me and I apologized and promised it will never happen again and believe me it did not happen for a while, till when my paranoia spirit cropped up again and I started the snooping game and this time I saw things that kept making me return almost every 2 weeks, believe me it was not pleasant for me, whilst 80% of me knew he loved me wholeheartedly, the other 20% was being pushed by my paranoia, I wanted this man to myself so bad, I did not want to share him with another woman, I am done sharing I want to be selfish this time, even though it wasn’t cheating, it was only flirting I still did not want it.

But this time I got caught and I go caught real bad
So here is the question:
Is there anything one can do for damage control? Do men get over such behavior?
It is important to remember that no matter what happened I did in fact violate his trust and privacy on a pretty deep level. As one can’t have a meaningful relationship when it’s not built on a solid foundation of trust. (Hey boo if you are reading or stumble on this… I do trust you and I am sorry)
Here are what I did  for a chance of repairing  my relationship (I am still in the begging zone and praying he listens.)

1) I explained my actions.
Now that I’ve been caught, he’s probably thinking about all the times that I “just knew” something and he probably feels like a fool. And in addition to thinking of all the times that I probably violated his trust and privacy in the past, he is probably pretty certain I’ll do it again in the future, especially if times get tough and I start to worry. I had to make sure that I understand the gravity of what I did, it wasn’t about what I saw anymore, it was about violating his trust and privacy, so in other for him to know that I’ll NEVER snoop again and Ever again,
In order to believe that, I made him: ( I hope he believed me)

• Understand why I snooped.
• Understand what I was feeling to make me feel like you had no choice but to snoop.
• Understand that I am sorry and that you know it was wrong.
• Understand what I’ll do from now on so that I’ll never do it again.

2) I had to face the music.
Once I said my piece, I had to let him say whatever he has to say. I did not argue with him, did not fight him and did not try to justify my actions or defend myself. Believe I was just apologizing, there’s no spinning this, I was clearly in the wrong here and if he feels I am trying to squirm my way out, it’ll just complicate things straight up.

3) I reminded him how much I love him and that I only snooped because I was afraid I’d lose him.
OK, after I had listened to him (REALLY listened and let it sunk in), I then reminded him of how much I value him (In case he had forgotten)  I reminded him of how much I love him and I was afraid I’d lose him – and that’s why I felt compelled to snoop and risk violating everything with him. I told him I felt overwhelmed by my fears of losing him because I love him so much. (This were all genuinely feelings and was all coming from the bottom of my heart) I have never been genuinely sorry in my life, this was the first time, because I saw a man who loved me for who I am and I almost ruin it all.

4) I apologized and vowed to NEVER, EVER, EVER snoop again.
Once I shared how much I love him and we both talked it through, I then sincerely apologize. (From the bottom of my heart because this man was ready to let go of the relationship, based on other things I am not able to share on here), however he said he needs time and space to think about it all.
I can’t guarantee he or she will stay or even give you a chance to defend yourself, however, following these steps will give anyone the best possible chance of redeeming themselves and repairing the damage to their relationship.


Guys pick up on when you “know something” and now that you already have a strike against you, he’ll be especially sensitive if he gets the sense that you know something you shouldn’t have known. If he decides to stay with you, he might even set a “trap” to test to see if you’ll snoop again.
So I would urge you to go legit from now on.

PS:
Hopefully this will be the wake up call needed (It definitely was for me) to stop snooping around going forward – it’s not worth it. I learnt that it is better to communicate your fears, worries, doubt etc with your partner rather than violate their privacy.


Love Life & Stop Snooping!

Olori Amope.
Twitter @OloriAmope

Don't Quit!

I came across this poem on www.onlythebible.com and the words got to me especially at this very moment and I thought I had to share with anyone out there going through whatever in their life... I almost gave up but this really cheered me up and gave me hope. Have faith, believe and Don't Quit No Matter What!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but all you do is sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit

Rest if you must, but don't you quit...

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out,

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow,

Success is failure turned inside out

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So, stick to the fight when you are hardest hit

It's when things seem worst that YOU MUST NOT QUIT.

Love Life xx 

Letter to God (My Birthday Thanks and Prayer to my Heavenly Father)

Dear Lord,

Today I thank You for another year in my life, for the gift of life and for making me the amazing woman that I am today, stronger, better, wiser and more determined than ever before,thank you Lord because I am "fearfully and wonderfully" made.

 

I am so thankful and grateful that I can say you made me to be special, even before I was born, you know me and you created me the way I was meant to be. You created me for a purpose and you love what You created in me.

Thank you Lord, for always answering my prayers and my "God Give me this and that prayer”, I just cannot thank You enough for what You have done in my life and in my heart, To bring me to where I am today. 

 

Lord I thank You because You made it known to me, that where I am in my life right now is just the beginning; that You have higher expectations for me, You have taught me that I can overcome every impossible things and obstacles by listening to your voice; obeying You and holding Your hand every step of the way. I know I truly am a miracle this day, on the day of my birth, it is not by my power but you made today happen.

I thank You Lord for another fulfilling chapter of the rest of my beautiful life where all my dreams will become a reality and mylife shall be a testimony to the glory of God in Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.

 

I pray, I decree and declare and make confession that as I add another year today, the new year in my life will be a more joyous and glorious one in Jesus Name, all imperfections of the old me will be made perfect in Jesus name. I am engraved for greatness, uncommon successes, unusual achievements and advancements in Jesus Name. You will keep and protect me and satisfy me with long life, I won't add unto death sickness nor infirmity but unto greatness favour, overflowing blessings riches everything I have ever asked and more in Your name, Your blessing shall work for me all the days of my life. 

 

You will order every step I take; I will find Peace &Contentment in You Lord, the rest of my days I will spend in Prosperity & Pleasure. Your grace will continually abide with me so that I shall be sufficient in all things. My going out & coming in shall be blessed, my daily Bread & Water shall be blessed, I will continue to receive your unending favors and answers to prayers,

 

Thank You lord for surrounding me with beautiful families and friends, I am truly blessed to have them. And I thank God for all of you. I pray I will continue to be a blessing to them, everyone around me and make impact in my generation.

I pray for many more years of God's goodness and mercy all the days of my life and I pray all I silently pray/wish for will be granted this season.

 

I love You lord, praise You, I honour You. For You are worthy of all my praise.

Overcoming Procrastination.

Procrastination is Opportunity's Natural Assassin - Victor Kiam

A long time ago, I came across a lengthy but rather interesting article on procrastination. After reading the article, I took comfort in the fact that I am not alone! Many people also struggle with procrastination beyond my imagination. Whilst some people are in denial others (like me hehe) are brave enough to admit it.

I recently spoke to someone very close to my heart and he told me about a habit he needs to overcome, 'Procrastinating'. I was shocked as he didn't strike me as someone who procrastinates. Alas I decided it's time I blog about it.
Procrastinating is a habit I picked up and perfected in University, being the only girl in the family my mother is always worried about this habit of mine. I remember revising entire courses two days before an exam and turning up to exams looking like a prisoner of war or writing a whole 5000 words essay a day to submission. Upon leaving university it became apparent that procrastinating had bled into other areas of my life. Fast forward to age 25 and I’m over-qualified to teach a course on ‘How to Procrastinate’.

(See what I did and how I overcame it here).

So….
I decided to change.

 

Not because I 'wanted' to change but I knew I 'needed' and have to. The pangs of guilt I felt every night when I realized I’d accomplished nothing were bad for my health (I know I’m a drama queen). More importantly, I needed to change to become a better daughter/ sister / niece /aunt / wife /mother /friend /wearer of fabulous shoes. And the less I procrastinate, the better I become at all of those roles.

I realized I needed to learn new habits and critically unlearn old ones, so I started reading extensively on the topic and seeking help and advice from anyone willing to give it. Much to my surprise over the past few years there’s been a significant improvement. I am better at getting things done almost immediately rather than pile them on my to-do list. I’m not there yet, I must admit 80% better.

Now let me share some tips which helped in my journey towards overcoming procrastination. It’d be great if you left some of your tips and experiences in the comments section. The more I learn, the better :)
Here it goes.....

 

How to Overcoming Procrastination.

 

1) Re-assess Your Life.

 

Someone once said to me that ‘Anyone that constantly defers everything they need to do is probably living someone else's life' and I do think they have a point.
A lot of people fill their lives with things done to fulfill others expectations, rather than things that align to their core. So they constantly defer plans playing the 'I'll do it tomorrow' game, because they don't really want to do those things at all. The question we need to ask is 'Why do I do what I do?’ and 'Am I meant to be doing what I do?' The more you fill your life with the things you love, the easier ‘work’ becomes. As the saying goes 'do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life’.

2) Have a Reasonable To Do List.

A lot of procrastination stems from the fact we’re too ambitious when formulating our ‘to do list’.
Long ‘to do lists’ are overrated. It's better to work smart than work hard. Extensive periods of hard work will result in diminishing returns and your work becomes more and more mediocre with each step you take. Contrarily, if your ‘to do list’ is too short, you may gain displaced confidence as a result of doing very little. So keep it reasonable.

 

3) Prioritize.

Prioritize: Placing the most strenuous and important tasks at the top of pile. When you do the hard stuff first, everything else will feel easy. The more I encounter people obsessed with seeming busy, the more I realize people don’t understand the concept of ‘high priority’.
If everything on your 'to do list' is ‘high priority’ it’s either....
a) Your life is so hectic you're heading towards a heart attack or…
b) You don’t know what ‘high’, ‘urgent’ or ‘priority’ is.

 

 

4) De-clutter.

De-cluttering is stripping your life down to its necessary components.
So De-clutter…
Your workspace
Your head
Your ‘friends’
Your diet
Then…
De-clutter your 'to do list' (again).

5) Be Accountable.

Don’t we all need checks and balances? Trust me we all do.  Find someone to be accountable to.

6) Find a Routine

 

For me, this has been the hardest rule to implement simply because I personally tend to thrive off the unexpected. However a foundation and routine is needed to hold up the superstructure of our lives.

7) Be Flexible

I had to learn the 'flexibility rule' the hard way. Part of overcoming procrastination is differentiating procrastination from a creative block. If you’re genuinely trying to get a task done and it’s not working, move on. Some barriers aren’t meant to be overcome at that moment in time. We must respect our creative blocks, because they have their place. Be flexible and know when to walk away.

8) Choose Not to Live Each Day Like Your Last.

We all know the saying ‘Live each day like your last’? Well I hate it. It’s just stupid advice. Why on earth people subscribe to it, I do not know. If it’s our last day on earth, tomorrow doesn't matter because we won't be here to see it unfold!

On the other hand if we live each day in order to make our tomorrow better (and easier); it’s an incentive to get on with things. When I’m losing interest in doing something I think (aloud) ‘If you leave it till tomorrow, it’ll only be harder and more to do tomorrow” And because I feel embarrassed that I’m talking to myself, I start to get on with it.

9) JUST DO IT!

I've left the most important tip for last. The bottom line is ‘Just Do It”. If you don’t do it, rules 1-8 are inconsequential. You weren’t born to procrastinate get that out of your head now. Just do it and do your best.

Love Life

Olori Amope

xxx