Alas… Liz has a whole lot to
say…..
My past relationships and my
last marriage hasn’t exactly been the best of them all, I have previously been
with men who constantly cheat and think once they tell you they love you or
spend their entire time with you then it is alright for them to cheat with
other girls. Some I have had the privileged to catch them and others got away
with it by lying. I have this gift, I say it’s a gift because I
know it is (Lol) if a man is lying to me I can easily tell, especially if they
are an open book, (Easy to read).
"My new relationship was going
on well, I had no reason to doubt" (mainly because we had dated before and we
had always loved each other)
However there was a hiccup….. Another chick (Apparently just friends)
So he told me about this lady and how they met and he was going to travel over 4000miles to see her and potentially date her… ok that got me really jealous like no man had ever done that for me before (with genuine intentions), but we continued seeing each other and hoping things will go according to plan which eventually did, met his family and extended, friends, took a life time commitment out for me in his name. So with all these I had no doubt he loves and want to spend the rest of his life with me.
Paranoia & Insecurities………..
These two are bitches, they can ruin something good and they almost ruin mine (I was determined not to let them) … for some reason I knew he was not telling me the real truth, but because he knew a whole lot about my past I felt is he saying/doing things to protect me or is he telling the truth I was not sure.
One day I accidentally glanced at his phone when he was beside me and I noticed he was chatting to this dear lady of his, so the next day I innocently asked about the lady and the response I got did not tally. So stupidly I developed an habit of snooping around in my relationship and I finally got caught one morning, he caught me and I apologized and promised it will never happen again and believe me it did not happen for a while, till when my paranoia spirit cropped up again and I started the snooping game and this time I saw things that kept making me return almost every 2 weeks, believe me it was not pleasant for me, whilst 80% of me knew he loved me wholeheartedly, the other 20% was being pushed by my paranoia, I wanted this man to myself so bad, I did not want to share him with another woman, I am done sharing I want to be selfish this time, even though it wasn’t cheating, it was only flirting I still did not want it.
But this time I got caught and I go caught real bad
So here is the question:
Is there anything one can do for damage control? Do men get over such behavior?
It is important to remember that no matter what happened I did in fact violate his trust and privacy on a pretty deep level. As one can’t have a meaningful relationship when it’s not built on a solid foundation of trust. (Hey boo if you are reading or stumble on this… I do trust you and I am sorry)
Here are what I did for a chance of repairing my relationship (I am still in the begging zone and praying he listens.)
1) I explained my actions.
Now that I’ve been caught, he’s probably thinking about all the times that I “just knew” something and he probably feels like a fool. And in addition to thinking of all the times that I probably violated his trust and privacy in the past, he is probably pretty certain I’ll do it again in the future, especially if times get tough and I start to worry. I had to make sure that I understand the gravity of what I did, it wasn’t about what I saw anymore, it was about violating his trust and privacy, so in other for him to know that I’ll NEVER snoop again and Ever again,
In order to believe that, I made him: ( I hope he believed me)
- Understand why I snooped.
- Understand what I was feeling to make me feel like you had no choice but to snoop.
- Understand that I am sorry and that you know it was wrong.
- Understand what I’ll do from now on so that I’ll never do it again.
2) I had to face the music.
Once I said my piece, I had to let him say whatever he has to say. I did not argue with him, did not fight him and did not try to justify my actions or defend myself. Believe I was just apologizing, there’s no spinning this, I was clearly in the wrong here and if he feels I am trying to squirm my way out, it’ll just complicate things straight up.
Once I said my piece, I had to let him say whatever he has to say. I did not argue with him, did not fight him and did not try to justify my actions or defend myself. Believe I was just apologizing, there’s no spinning this, I was clearly in the wrong here and if he feels I am trying to squirm my way out, it’ll just complicate things straight up.
3) I reminded him how much I love him and that I only snooped because I was afraid I’d lose him.
OK, after I had listened to him (REALLY listened and let it sunk in), I then reminded him of how much I value him (In case he had forgotten) I reminded him of how much I love him and I was afraid I’d lose him – and that’s why I felt compelled to snoop and risk violating everything with him. I told him I felt overwhelmed by my fears of losing him because I love him so much. (This were all genuinely feelings and was all coming from the bottom of my heart) I have never been genuinely sorry in my life, this was the first time, because I saw a man who loved me for who I am and I almost ruin it all.
4) I apologized and vowed to NEVER, EVER, EVER snoop again.
Once I shared how much I love him and we both talked it through, I then sincerely apologize. (From the bottom of my heart because this man was ready to let go of the relationship, based on other things I am not able to share on here), however he said he needs time and space to think about it all.
I can’t guarantee he or she will stay or even give you a chance to defend yourself, however, following these steps will give anyone the best possible chance of redeeming themselves and repairing the damage to their relationship.
Guys pick up on when you “know something” and now that you already have a strike against you, he’ll be especially sensitive if he gets the sense that you know something you shouldn’t have known. If he decides to stay with you, he might even set a “trap” to test to see if you’ll snoop again.
So I would urge you to go legit from now on.
PS:
Hopefully this will be the wake up call needed (It definitely was for me) to stop snooping around going forward – it’s not worth it. I learnt that it is better to communicate your fears, worries, doubt etc with your partner rather than violate their privacy.
Love Life & Stop Snooping!
Olori Amope.
Twitter @OloriAmope
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