They Cheated Stay or Leave?

Thou Shall Not Cheat! (1st commandment in the relationship bible)
Happy Friday folks. Before I start, I would like to thank you all for stopping by and reading my rant, and secondly congratulate myself on doing the impossible and looking effortlessly relaxed whilst doing so. (Will be blogged about later).
Today is Friday, I love Fridays at work, not only is it a relaxed and chilled day, (Mon-Thurs are usually mega busy)  its also Fat Friday where we all gather in different groups (Whatever we fancy) to eat fatty food.
So I decided to rant about cheating today, how so? I was just going through my iPad (Note)yesterday evening and I saw this draft that I wrote few months ago,  alas I thought to myself, perfect let me just bring it all to perfection (This was how I spent my evening)

Few months ago, I was having a conversation with my colleague a.k.a my work BFF (Men, relationship, marriage, children and personal ish) and she asked ever so innocently ‘so tell me, if your boyfriend/husband cheated on you, just once, would you leave him, yes or no? Immediately the men around us turned and were all waiting for the 'yes I will forgive' answer.

I hate closed questions that require yes or no answers, Ah life is not that logical. Sometimes two and two will not equal four and you don’t know why the heck that is; in other words, yes or no will never suffice when answering a ‘life issue’. So after challenging her biased method of questioning for few minutes (I find it hard to win arguments with her, but I still love her though) I finally convinced her that it was necessary for me to go beyond yes or no for her to get an answer (the look on her face was saying please don’t defend (him/her)) By the end of our conversation we concluded that my response to the cheater would be reliant on one of three things. (Yes she knew I would later blog about it so she advised me to pen it all down hehe)

a) How I found out about the whole craziness.

b) How much I liked/loved them. (Oh dear)

c) My instinct.

a) How I Found Out About The Whole Craziness.

See there is absolutely nothing worse than finding out something about yourself that everyone seems to be aware of apart from you, (The shock and horror).  Like when you’ve had something between your teeth all day. So if I happen to be informed by an OUTSIDER, that my significant other had a moment of craziness when they lost the integrity I had assumed they had, it is likely that yes, the only future access they will have to me will be via this blog. (As I will block them off WhatsApp/bbm and every other communication or social media) It all comes down to pride. Private embarrassment I can deal with but public embarrassment inflicted by another’s stupidity? I think not.

Till date, I am not sure if I like confessions (Excluding confessing your sin to God. Only that I believe in) and that’s because most confessions fall into one of two categories. Confessions because you got caught or confessions because you feel guilty. I think the people that confess when caught are the most authentic and honest people ever to walk the face of the earth, not the people that confess before being caught (Again my opinion).

I do believe that people that confess in a dramatic manner are often the most twisted bastards and the people you need to watch. Those awful souls who call you and start the conversation with  ‘There’s something I have to tell you’‘, and then finally get to the point and act like it was the hardest thing ever. THEY PISS ME OFF. Why? Guilt is the natural human response to doing wrong to another person. Everyone feels some sort of guilt; if you don’t feel a fragment of guilt you are a sociopath. Don’t confess to me and think I will absolve you of your guilt or it somehow makes it better. I’m not a priest. The fact remains you still are a careless prick and I won’t be jilted into making you feel less guilty. Furthermore the biggest sign that a confession isn’t genuine is when someone has the audacity to become offended when you don’t forgive him or her at a drop of a hat. (Are you kidding me? You’re the culprit not me). I am not advocating being duplicitous. I’m just saying if you happen to cheat, you must make the best of a bad situation. So to avoid moral dilemmas just DON’T CHEAT at all. (Trust me it’s that simple and easy)

If I am informed by someone in my INNER circle, I will confront the individual (Boyfriend/Husband) and if they say ‘Well yes it’s true, I am very sorry but I was just hoping that you’d never find out’,  (AH) I’d probably be so taken aback by their frankness I would be stunned into staying with them.

b) How Much I Love/Like Them (Oh dear)

Hmm, the concepts of loving/liking someone are so fluid and impossible to define. The amount you love/like someone will affect how you treat them. So if I happen to love someone a lot (I AM A SUCKER FOR TRUE LOVE) I will probably overlook their discrepancies because I value them and what we share. However at the end of the day like/love/lust, all cloud judgment. Some people will always struggle with monogamy no matter how much they love someone and it’s not because they’re wired differently, it’s because they’re greedy, selfish and lack discipline…. (In other word just AN ASS)!

So after much discussion my friend and I concluded that in actual fact our reactions would be determined not by how much we love the cheater, but how much we love ourselves and if we have enough confidence to believe we can do better.

c) Instinct

I always trust my instinct, like when I meet a person and they tell me their 'life story' but I know it’s a built-up fairytale. I don’t know how, I just know, (Don't ask me)  that’s why before I share my story with anyone or open up to you, I study you as if I am on a PHD course (Trust me even my pastor’s wife noticed). So if my instinct tells me that the cheater will cheat again, in spite of the fact that the deed apparently occurred ‘just once’ they will be given their marching orders. However if my instinct tells me otherwise, I’ll make them sweat for as long as I choose to and hope they pull a good one and buy me a diamond ring worth the GDP of Burundi and a Bentley (You can say I'm dreaming but dreams come true).

Some would argue that option B (How Much I Love/Like Them) could cloud option C (instinct), I completely disagree. Your instinct will always be accurate, you may lie to yourself and the world at large that it’s different, but your instinct always tells you the right thing but when option B (How Much I Love/Like Them) is in place option C (Instinct) is out of the window. Beyond that no one becomes ‘something’ overnight yes we all have moments of madness, character change (for good and bad) is a process, so for that ‘one night of madness’ there were often about a million clues along the way, which will inform your instinct. (Most women choose to ignore the million clues along the way)

So in response to my friend's weird question, I am still not sure as it is all relative. However because I know that she was asking the question for a stupid reason (This girl ask random questions).  I will state that for the record I am a firm believer in giving second chances.  If you have the capacity to give it wholeheartedly and the other has the capacity receive it.

 In other news, someone pointed out to me that my rants are somehow against men, well I disagree, and contrary to popular opinion  I do not believe that only men cheat, I believe women cheat just as much, it’s just that they (women) are so slick with it they don’t get caught.

PS: please feel free to comment if you agree or disagree with any of the above or want to add to it. Until then....

Love life & Don’t cheat.

Olori Amope xx

Never Let a Man Define Who You Are.

I do hope I am not sounding like a sexist, please don’t get me wrong I do love men, but I am always in support of girl power. Yes you heard right!

So I have had this on my mind for a while after watching Nollywood (African Hollywood), Nollywood movies are predictable, some don't even make sense and sometimes I always feel this cannot happen for real, and then minutes later I'm like hang on, it happened to so and so, oh I have experienced something similar. I have one way or the other experienced what I blog about or have close relationship with someone who has. At a particular stage/age in my life I realized that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away and if he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. We as a woman need to stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle: If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay in a relationship because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? (I know some people will attack me for this statement). Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. 

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later: I always think this statement is a bit unfair on the men… but then again speaking from experience and I mean personal experience I’m afraid to say its very true, they do use it against you and I personally think such  man is an insecure egocentric bastard (Pardon my words). Don’t get me wrong I am not saying hide things from your man, all I am saying  is have your own cherished little secret. 

You cannot change a man's behavior: Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. I cannot stress this enough, a man will always be a man and trust me you cannot change him, (Only God ) and of course unless he wants to change himself, then you can help him.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...Compromise is a two way thing; you should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Oh I love dating, dating is fun, you get to know more about each other, enjoy each others company from the usual norm and this goes to married couple as well, never stop dating each other, date night, holiday, weekend away etc. its fun. Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. (My Opinion).

The Fear of Being Alone:  As this has always been my fear, I am so glad one way or the other I was able to overcome it, ( I am not completely there yet) see happiness is a choice and comes from within, “oh I am so lonely, oh I’m bored, who will have me if I let him go? The fear of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in hurtful relationships. My mother once said to me that “no matter how much you love a man or how much he loves you always know that you are the best thing that could ever happen to anyone  and make him (the man) understand that if he maltreats you he will never find anyone  better”. And trust me if you make that known to them and they still maltreats you, and then he'll miss out on a good thing, after all the bible also says "He that finds a wife, finds a good thing". If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one, they're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts... 

PS: Never let a man define who you are. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

Love Life & Mulberry

Olori Amope.

Snooping! A very bad and terrible must stop habit.

I was having a conversation with two close friends of mine (luckily a male and female) about Snooping in a relationship, from a man’s perspective he said it’s a no no, from a woman, I did agree however to some extent… there might be a reason behind it, we noticed my female friend kept mute, I wondered what was going on. So I asked Liz (I have just used a random name for confidentiality) I hope you are ok, can see you are not contributing.

Alas… Liz has a whole lot to say…..

My past relationships and my last marriage hasn’t exactly been the best of them all, I have previously been with men who constantly cheat and think once they tell you they love you or spend their entire time with you then it is alright for them to cheat with other girls. Some I have had the privileged to catch them and others got away with it by lying. I have this gift, I say it’s a gift because I know it is (Lol) if a man is lying to me I can easily tell, especially if they are an open book, (Easy to read).

"My new relationship was going on well, I had no reason to doubt" (mainly because we had dated before and we had always loved each other)

However there was a hiccup….. Another chick (Apparently just friends)
So he told me about this lady and how they met and he was going to travel over 4000miles to see her and potentially date her… ok that got me really jealous like no man had ever done that for me before (with genuine intentions), but we continued seeing each other and hoping things will go according to plan which eventually did, met his family and extended, friends, took a life time commitment out for me in his name. So with all these I had no doubt he loves and want to spend the rest of his life with me.

Paranoia & Insecurities………..
These two are bitches, they can ruin something good and they almost ruin mine (I was determined not to let them) … for some reason I knew he was not telling me the real truth, but because he knew a whole lot about my past I felt is he saying/doing things to protect me or is he telling the truth I was not sure.

One day I accidentally glanced at his phone when he was beside me and I noticed he was chatting to this dear lady of his, so the next day I innocently asked about the lady and the response I got did not tally. So stupidly I developed an habit of snooping around in my relationship and I finally got caught one morning, he caught me and I apologized and promised it will never happen again and believe me it did not happen for a while, till when my paranoia spirit cropped up again and I started the snooping game and this time I saw things that kept making me return almost every 2 weeks, believe me it was not pleasant for me, whilst 80% of me knew he loved me wholeheartedly, the other 20% was being pushed by my paranoia, I wanted this man to myself so bad, I did not want to share him with another woman, I am done sharing I want to be selfish this time, even though it wasn’t cheating, it was only flirting I still did not want it.

But this time I got caught and I go caught real bad
So here is the question:
Is there anything one can do for damage control? Do men get over such behavior?
It is important to remember that no matter what happened I did in fact violate his trust and privacy on a pretty deep level. As one can’t have a meaningful relationship when it’s not built on a solid foundation of trust. (Hey boo if you are reading or stumble on this… I do trust you and I am sorry)
Here are what I did  for a chance of repairing  my relationship (I am still in the begging zone and praying he listens.)

1) I explained my actions.
Now that I’ve been caught, he’s probably thinking about all the times that I “just knew” something and he probably feels like a fool. And in addition to thinking of all the times that I probably violated his trust and privacy in the past, he is probably pretty certain I’ll do it again in the future, especially if times get tough and I start to worry. I had to make sure that I understand the gravity of what I did, it wasn’t about what I saw anymore, it was about violating his trust and privacy, so in other for him to know that I’ll NEVER snoop again and Ever again,
In order to believe that, I made him: ( I hope he believed me)

• Understand why I snooped.
• Understand what I was feeling to make me feel like you had no choice but to snoop.
• Understand that I am sorry and that you know it was wrong.
• Understand what I’ll do from now on so that I’ll never do it again.

2) I had to face the music.
Once I said my piece, I had to let him say whatever he has to say. I did not argue with him, did not fight him and did not try to justify my actions or defend myself. Believe I was just apologizing, there’s no spinning this, I was clearly in the wrong here and if he feels I am trying to squirm my way out, it’ll just complicate things straight up.

3) I reminded him how much I love him and that I only snooped because I was afraid I’d lose him.
OK, after I had listened to him (REALLY listened and let it sunk in), I then reminded him of how much I value him (In case he had forgotten)  I reminded him of how much I love him and I was afraid I’d lose him – and that’s why I felt compelled to snoop and risk violating everything with him. I told him I felt overwhelmed by my fears of losing him because I love him so much. (This were all genuinely feelings and was all coming from the bottom of my heart) I have never been genuinely sorry in my life, this was the first time, because I saw a man who loved me for who I am and I almost ruin it all.

4) I apologized and vowed to NEVER, EVER, EVER snoop again.
Once I shared how much I love him and we both talked it through, I then sincerely apologize. (From the bottom of my heart because this man was ready to let go of the relationship, based on other things I am not able to share on here), however he said he needs time and space to think about it all.
I can’t guarantee he or she will stay or even give you a chance to defend yourself, however, following these steps will give anyone the best possible chance of redeeming themselves and repairing the damage to their relationship.


Guys pick up on when you “know something” and now that you already have a strike against you, he’ll be especially sensitive if he gets the sense that you know something you shouldn’t have known. If he decides to stay with you, he might even set a “trap” to test to see if you’ll snoop again.
So I would urge you to go legit from now on.

PS:
Hopefully this will be the wake up call needed (It definitely was for me) to stop snooping around going forward – it’s not worth it. I learnt that it is better to communicate your fears, worries, doubt etc with your partner rather than violate their privacy.


Love Life & Stop Snooping!

Olori Amope.
Twitter @OloriAmope

Things That Offend Women That Men Don't Care About.....

I’m really bad at staying in touch. To be honest, it’s not because I don’t care about the people in my life. I care deeply about them.  I just avoid phone calls (because I don't care for speaking on the phone that much) and always  forget to retrieve my voicemail.

Rather than engaging in a 45-minute phone call, I would much rather meet up and actually interact. But meeting up requires a phone call to arrange a meeting.. And so a vicious cycle ensues. As a consequence of my phonehomophobia I’ve lost quite a few female friends. And since men don’t care to keep track of who phoned who last, I now have about 2 male friends to every female .(hehe)

 

Ok so the fact that I am officially ‘that girl with all the male friends’ I’ve realised there are certain things in life that offend women deeply but most men don’t care about.

 Things that offend women that (most) men don’t care about:

1) Someone not calling them back:

Like every woman in the universe (any woman that disagrees is a hermaphrodite and doesn’t know it yet) I hate it when a man I like doesn’t call me back  .(Very Annoying right). In fact if done persistently it probably ranks as one of the top 5 reasons that I would contemplate if ‘I'll bring arms house to your mums house’

 

2) Not texting/emailing/skyping/facebooking/back.

This sort of explains itself. :)

 

3) Forgetting Birthday’s.

If you forget a woman’s birthday you are on her X List. I will talk about the X List at a later date, but even without expounding on this construct I’m certain 90% of the women reading have an idea what it is.

 

4) A woman that lies about her dress size:

Social fact for the day: Every clique has a member who is a liar.

If you don’t agree with the above

a) You’re probably the liar and haven’t come to terms with it

b) You’re the naïve member of the clique

In the male clique the liar is the guy that is always talking about how much money he’s making but everyone knows he’s broke. He stunts with a bottle of Belvedere in the club knowing full well there’s no water coming out the tap at his house.

In the female clique the liar is the girl that insists she’s two dress sizes smaller than she actually is. Her delusion causes her to buy clothes that don’t fit. Most women find such women offensive, because they tend to be the type of woman that like to steal boyfriends and is always copying someone’s clothes.

 

Does a man care if a woman’s a size 12 but she says she’s an 8? Of course not. Well unless he’s a Beta Male. And Beta Males don’t count.

 

5) Criticising Primark/whatever their favourite shop is.

a) Primark is legal (fabric) crack

b) If you critique a woman’s favourite shop she will be offended.

Whereas men don’t care enough to take it personally if you critique their favourite clothing brand. Unless they’re Beta Males *cough Kanye * and as we know (all together now) Beta Males don’t count.

 

6)Borrowing clothes and not returning them/returning them in substandard condition:

I should have put this higher up because after someone stealing their boyfriend and feeling unappreciated, it’s one of the top 3 reasons for the premature demise of female friendships.

7)Men that cheat.

Women hate men that cheat. The only things that women despise more than men that cheat are women who knowingly cheat with them and men like Chris ‘I hit girls’ Brown.

On the other hand cheating men don’t offend men because according to Nameless men get it. And they get it, not because they’re all cheats, but men understand that you can be a good guy and do bad things.

 

8)Pretty women who don’t want to be their friend.

I know many women for whom this doesn’t apply, but I know a significant chunk that it does. So it’s made my list.

 

The messages being fed to women by the media combined with the unrealistic beauty standards that they’re expected to match are basically a cocktail for craziness. Ergo many women get slightly unnerved/curious/jealous when a woman of superior/equal attractiveness enters the room. They’ll never admit it but they do.

Now if this woman is attractive and aloof they will be offended. And they will; express their offence by criticising the woman’s attire/appearance when all they really want is to be friends. And a non-Beta Male will never be offended by a pretty woman who doesn’t want to be his friend, he’ll only see it as a challenge.

 

Love Life, Peace

xxx

Bad Habits That Ruin Beautiful Relationships.

We all get to that stage in our relationship where we feel completely at ease with each other, well it is only normal. But when you get so comfortable that you neglect friends, your manners e.t c then things can start going downhill.
If you want to avoid major drama in your relationship, resist the ten habits below that are known to ruin otherwise healthy relationships.



1) Criticising his/her family...
No matter how you feel about your boyfriend/girlfriend's family, making it known to him/her just how much they drive you crazy is bound to drive an irreparable wedge into your relationship. So it's best to hold your tongue when the subject of his family comes up.


2) Letting yourself go....
Not only is it bad for your health and overall well-being, but letting yourself go -- whether that means gaining weight or not caring about your appearance -- after settling into a relationship is one habit that sends a bad message to your partner: if you stop caring about yourself, he may assume that you've stopped caring about him too.


3) Forgetting your friends....
Have you ever had a friend who has suddenly partnered up with the guy/girl they’ve been raving about for the past few weeks and then you don’t see them again for months? Maybe that “friend” is actually you? We’ve all probably been guilty of this at some point in our lives. No matter how much we love spending time with our other half, it’s important to keep in regular contact with our friends for the sake of our own sanity.
Our pals remind us that there are other things going on in the world aside from romance, and they keep our feet firmly on the ground when we start getting swept off into romantic dream land. Spending all of your time with your other half usually ends up with you getting bored of each other pretty soon into the relationship and this is a recipe for disaster.


4) Spying...
You may think you're doing yourself a favor by keeping up constant surveillance your boyfriend/girlfriend's phone, Facebook and Twitter habits; however by being aware of the minutiae of his/her whereabouts and thoughts, you're more likely to do your relationship more harm than good.you get paranoid and scared for nothing. Oh never forget.... You start Nagging!


5) Fighting in Public.....
It is natural for couples to have the occasional argument, especially after being together for any significant amount of time; however, fights that become so uncontrollable that they regularly spill out into the open, damage your relationship! I say you can have arguments. But in public, among friends act like nothing is going on.


6) Sharing Your Secrets With Your Friends.... (To my dear Ladies)
Discretion is one of the chief qualities of a good relationship. Therefore, be sure to keep various aspects of your love life for yourself and your partner. Men in particular can feel extremely vulnerable and irritated if they find out about a problem or a secret from their friends and not their partner. Talk over the delicate issues with your partner rather than confessing them to your friends.


7) Trying to improve your partner....
Many women think they are helping the men that they're with by trying to make them over, however, by doing so; they only end up causing more problems for the relationship.


8) Allowing problems to fester.....
Everyone would like to think that they have the perfect relationship; however, if in your quest to avoid creating drama in your relationship, you frequently allow things that upset you to go unsaid; you are doing yourself and your partner a great disservice. Good communication is the cornerstone of any happy, long-term coupling.


9) Taking each other for granted...

• Do you turn to him/her for his thoughts and/or advice?
• Do you consider him/her when making a decision?
• Do you thank him /her when they've done something good and/or right?
• Do you thank and compliment your partner when they mean well?
• Do you listen to him/her and/or pay attention to his/her needs?


10) Lying....
Lying to your boyfriend/girlfriend for any reason does not bode well for a successful future together. Just don't do it!!






Love Life
Olori Amope xx
Follow me on twitter @oloriamope