They Cheated Stay or Leave?

Thou Shall Not Cheat! (1st commandment in the relationship bible)
Happy Friday folks. Before I start, I would like to thank you all for stopping by and reading my rant, and secondly congratulate myself on doing the impossible and looking effortlessly relaxed whilst doing so. (Will be blogged about later).
Today is Friday, I love Fridays at work, not only is it a relaxed and chilled day, (Mon-Thurs are usually mega busy)  its also Fat Friday where we all gather in different groups (Whatever we fancy) to eat fatty food.
So I decided to rant about cheating today, how so? I was just going through my iPad (Note)yesterday evening and I saw this draft that I wrote few months ago,  alas I thought to myself, perfect let me just bring it all to perfection (This was how I spent my evening)

Few months ago, I was having a conversation with my colleague a.k.a my work BFF (Men, relationship, marriage, children and personal ish) and she asked ever so innocently ‘so tell me, if your boyfriend/husband cheated on you, just once, would you leave him, yes or no? Immediately the men around us turned and were all waiting for the 'yes I will forgive' answer.

I hate closed questions that require yes or no answers, Ah life is not that logical. Sometimes two and two will not equal four and you don’t know why the heck that is; in other words, yes or no will never suffice when answering a ‘life issue’. So after challenging her biased method of questioning for few minutes (I find it hard to win arguments with her, but I still love her though) I finally convinced her that it was necessary for me to go beyond yes or no for her to get an answer (the look on her face was saying please don’t defend (him/her)) By the end of our conversation we concluded that my response to the cheater would be reliant on one of three things. (Yes she knew I would later blog about it so she advised me to pen it all down hehe)

a) How I found out about the whole craziness.

b) How much I liked/loved them. (Oh dear)

c) My instinct.

a) How I Found Out About The Whole Craziness.

See there is absolutely nothing worse than finding out something about yourself that everyone seems to be aware of apart from you, (The shock and horror).  Like when you’ve had something between your teeth all day. So if I happen to be informed by an OUTSIDER, that my significant other had a moment of craziness when they lost the integrity I had assumed they had, it is likely that yes, the only future access they will have to me will be via this blog. (As I will block them off WhatsApp/bbm and every other communication or social media) It all comes down to pride. Private embarrassment I can deal with but public embarrassment inflicted by another’s stupidity? I think not.

Till date, I am not sure if I like confessions (Excluding confessing your sin to God. Only that I believe in) and that’s because most confessions fall into one of two categories. Confessions because you got caught or confessions because you feel guilty. I think the people that confess when caught are the most authentic and honest people ever to walk the face of the earth, not the people that confess before being caught (Again my opinion).

I do believe that people that confess in a dramatic manner are often the most twisted bastards and the people you need to watch. Those awful souls who call you and start the conversation with  ‘There’s something I have to tell you’‘, and then finally get to the point and act like it was the hardest thing ever. THEY PISS ME OFF. Why? Guilt is the natural human response to doing wrong to another person. Everyone feels some sort of guilt; if you don’t feel a fragment of guilt you are a sociopath. Don’t confess to me and think I will absolve you of your guilt or it somehow makes it better. I’m not a priest. The fact remains you still are a careless prick and I won’t be jilted into making you feel less guilty. Furthermore the biggest sign that a confession isn’t genuine is when someone has the audacity to become offended when you don’t forgive him or her at a drop of a hat. (Are you kidding me? You’re the culprit not me). I am not advocating being duplicitous. I’m just saying if you happen to cheat, you must make the best of a bad situation. So to avoid moral dilemmas just DON’T CHEAT at all. (Trust me it’s that simple and easy)

If I am informed by someone in my INNER circle, I will confront the individual (Boyfriend/Husband) and if they say ‘Well yes it’s true, I am very sorry but I was just hoping that you’d never find out’,  (AH) I’d probably be so taken aback by their frankness I would be stunned into staying with them.

b) How Much I Love/Like Them (Oh dear)

Hmm, the concepts of loving/liking someone are so fluid and impossible to define. The amount you love/like someone will affect how you treat them. So if I happen to love someone a lot (I AM A SUCKER FOR TRUE LOVE) I will probably overlook their discrepancies because I value them and what we share. However at the end of the day like/love/lust, all cloud judgment. Some people will always struggle with monogamy no matter how much they love someone and it’s not because they’re wired differently, it’s because they’re greedy, selfish and lack discipline…. (In other word just AN ASS)!

So after much discussion my friend and I concluded that in actual fact our reactions would be determined not by how much we love the cheater, but how much we love ourselves and if we have enough confidence to believe we can do better.

c) Instinct

I always trust my instinct, like when I meet a person and they tell me their 'life story' but I know it’s a built-up fairytale. I don’t know how, I just know, (Don't ask me)  that’s why before I share my story with anyone or open up to you, I study you as if I am on a PHD course (Trust me even my pastor’s wife noticed). So if my instinct tells me that the cheater will cheat again, in spite of the fact that the deed apparently occurred ‘just once’ they will be given their marching orders. However if my instinct tells me otherwise, I’ll make them sweat for as long as I choose to and hope they pull a good one and buy me a diamond ring worth the GDP of Burundi and a Bentley (You can say I'm dreaming but dreams come true).

Some would argue that option B (How Much I Love/Like Them) could cloud option C (instinct), I completely disagree. Your instinct will always be accurate, you may lie to yourself and the world at large that it’s different, but your instinct always tells you the right thing but when option B (How Much I Love/Like Them) is in place option C (Instinct) is out of the window. Beyond that no one becomes ‘something’ overnight yes we all have moments of madness, character change (for good and bad) is a process, so for that ‘one night of madness’ there were often about a million clues along the way, which will inform your instinct. (Most women choose to ignore the million clues along the way)

So in response to my friend's weird question, I am still not sure as it is all relative. However because I know that she was asking the question for a stupid reason (This girl ask random questions).  I will state that for the record I am a firm believer in giving second chances.  If you have the capacity to give it wholeheartedly and the other has the capacity receive it.

 In other news, someone pointed out to me that my rants are somehow against men, well I disagree, and contrary to popular opinion  I do not believe that only men cheat, I believe women cheat just as much, it’s just that they (women) are so slick with it they don’t get caught.

PS: please feel free to comment if you agree or disagree with any of the above or want to add to it. Until then....

Love life & Don’t cheat.

Olori Amope xx

Beauty…… The pain, The gain!

I promise to try and write at least once a day ( I said try) if I have free time during day, my job is too demanding especially at this time of the year, but my love for writing has been picked up again, so I will try my best to keep to it. So today I decided to move away from the obvious and talk about something else, Mostly for me ladies, lovers of all things beautiful. (Oh also for men who want to spoil their lady)
I have always had a thing for designer stuff right from when I was a teenager, I think what I admire about it then is ...... (Trust me I have no idea).

Moving on….

I have decide to talk about the iconic, most sort after Christian Louboutin Pigalle (A girl must have a pair but please don’t break the bank). I have had my eye on the Christian Louboutin Pigalle pair for ages, however  I just didn’t get round to owing one, I think for me it was more of would I rather spend £500 on a pair of shoes or spend that and a bit on a pair of Mulberry handbag (My fav designer…  will leave this for a later day). 

After doing a lot of research and convincing myself, I decided that a shoe as iconic as the Pigalle is definitely worth putting to the test, and how do I achieve this? I decide to finally buy one, (well bought 2 pairs, the black and the beige in 100mm) my favorite to date is the Beige…

So let me put this straight… they are not comfortable (I am dead serious), I remember a friend once said to me, “Fissy I have only worn mine 3 times since I last bought them 4 yrs ago” I was alarmed coming from a shoe and high heel lover… however I ignored and bought them regardless.  I must say my first experience wearing them was chaos, I felt like a baby taking her first steps (I remember my mother saying in her African accent “ so you have decided to cause so much agony to your feet" followed by KMT). 

Another common alarm when buying a pair of Pigalle is figuring out what size to purchase. I did a lot of research and I noticed that a lot of people mentioned that the Pigalle run a pinch small. So when I decided to buy mine however, I opted for my actual size 37 ( I took the leap of faith) and I didn’t have any problem. Christian Louboutin shoes are unlike any other, and after eyeing and debating the purchase of a pair of Christian Louboutin Pigalle for a long time (I’d say it took me few years to convince myself that its time to get one) I made an impulse decision and bought them!

Whilst I sat in front of my laptop clicking away trying to order my pair, I knew what I was getting myself into, but that didn’t stop me from making the purchase. As soon as I bought them, I felt this relief (same feeling I get when I buy myself a mulberry item, Oh and the perfect feeling when I bought my BELLA) I wore these pumps around the office once  and trust me even though they’re not the most comfortable pair, they do make you feel elegant and on two different occasions same day, I got compliments about my shoes and ask the question probably on everyone’s minds when they think of the Pigalle pumps:

“How in the world are you walking in those heels?”

The main reason for this rant, the heels are very uncomfortable, like my dear mother will say “beauty is pain” they do hurt your feet however..… you can never go wrong with a pair of Pigalle’s. Don't get me wrong; they're beautiful both on and off the foot, but they are a bit painful. These pumps may pinch my toes and be a pinch too high, but I would never truly regret wearing a pair of classic pumps like this. I found my own way to make wearing them comfortable and I am enjoying both pairs now.

PS: I got a pair of the Louboutin So Kate as a gift for my birthday, I haven't tried them on yet, only around the house and oh dear.. I will let you know how that goes.

Until then...... I still have my eye on the CL Fifi, and ladies please feel free to share your experience.

Love life & Louboutin

Olori Amope

Never Let a Man Define Who You Are.

I do hope I am not sounding like a sexist, please don’t get me wrong I do love men, but I am always in support of girl power. Yes you heard right!

So I have had this on my mind for a while after watching Nollywood (African Hollywood), Nollywood movies are predictable, some don't even make sense and sometimes I always feel this cannot happen for real, and then minutes later I'm like hang on, it happened to so and so, oh I have experienced something similar. I have one way or the other experienced what I blog about or have close relationship with someone who has. At a particular stage/age in my life I realized that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away and if he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. We as a woman need to stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle: If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay in a relationship because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? (I know some people will attack me for this statement). Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. 

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later: I always think this statement is a bit unfair on the men… but then again speaking from experience and I mean personal experience I’m afraid to say its very true, they do use it against you and I personally think such  man is an insecure egocentric bastard (Pardon my words). Don’t get me wrong I am not saying hide things from your man, all I am saying  is have your own cherished little secret. 

You cannot change a man's behavior: Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. I cannot stress this enough, a man will always be a man and trust me you cannot change him, (Only God ) and of course unless he wants to change himself, then you can help him.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...Compromise is a two way thing; you should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Oh I love dating, dating is fun, you get to know more about each other, enjoy each others company from the usual norm and this goes to married couple as well, never stop dating each other, date night, holiday, weekend away etc. its fun. Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. (My Opinion).

The Fear of Being Alone:  As this has always been my fear, I am so glad one way or the other I was able to overcome it, ( I am not completely there yet) see happiness is a choice and comes from within, “oh I am so lonely, oh I’m bored, who will have me if I let him go? The fear of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in hurtful relationships. My mother once said to me that “no matter how much you love a man or how much he loves you always know that you are the best thing that could ever happen to anyone  and make him (the man) understand that if he maltreats you he will never find anyone  better”. And trust me if you make that known to them and they still maltreats you, and then he'll miss out on a good thing, after all the bible also says "He that finds a wife, finds a good thing". If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one, they're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts... 

PS: Never let a man define who you are. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

Love Life & Mulberry

Olori Amope.

Snooping! A very bad and terrible must stop habit.

I was having a conversation with two close friends of mine (luckily a male and female) about Snooping in a relationship, from a man’s perspective he said it’s a no no, from a woman, I did agree however to some extent… there might be a reason behind it, we noticed my female friend kept mute, I wondered what was going on. So I asked Liz (I have just used a random name for confidentiality) I hope you are ok, can see you are not contributing.

Alas… Liz has a whole lot to say…..

My past relationships and my last marriage hasn’t exactly been the best of them all, I have previously been with men who constantly cheat and think once they tell you they love you or spend their entire time with you then it is alright for them to cheat with other girls. Some I have had the privileged to catch them and others got away with it by lying. I have this gift, I say it’s a gift because I know it is (Lol) if a man is lying to me I can easily tell, especially if they are an open book, (Easy to read).

"My new relationship was going on well, I had no reason to doubt" (mainly because we had dated before and we had always loved each other)

However there was a hiccup….. Another chick (Apparently just friends)
So he told me about this lady and how they met and he was going to travel over 4000miles to see her and potentially date her… ok that got me really jealous like no man had ever done that for me before (with genuine intentions), but we continued seeing each other and hoping things will go according to plan which eventually did, met his family and extended, friends, took a life time commitment out for me in his name. So with all these I had no doubt he loves and want to spend the rest of his life with me.

Paranoia & Insecurities………..
These two are bitches, they can ruin something good and they almost ruin mine (I was determined not to let them) … for some reason I knew he was not telling me the real truth, but because he knew a whole lot about my past I felt is he saying/doing things to protect me or is he telling the truth I was not sure.

One day I accidentally glanced at his phone when he was beside me and I noticed he was chatting to this dear lady of his, so the next day I innocently asked about the lady and the response I got did not tally. So stupidly I developed an habit of snooping around in my relationship and I finally got caught one morning, he caught me and I apologized and promised it will never happen again and believe me it did not happen for a while, till when my paranoia spirit cropped up again and I started the snooping game and this time I saw things that kept making me return almost every 2 weeks, believe me it was not pleasant for me, whilst 80% of me knew he loved me wholeheartedly, the other 20% was being pushed by my paranoia, I wanted this man to myself so bad, I did not want to share him with another woman, I am done sharing I want to be selfish this time, even though it wasn’t cheating, it was only flirting I still did not want it.

But this time I got caught and I go caught real bad
So here is the question:
Is there anything one can do for damage control? Do men get over such behavior?
It is important to remember that no matter what happened I did in fact violate his trust and privacy on a pretty deep level. As one can’t have a meaningful relationship when it’s not built on a solid foundation of trust. (Hey boo if you are reading or stumble on this… I do trust you and I am sorry)
Here are what I did  for a chance of repairing  my relationship (I am still in the begging zone and praying he listens.)

1) I explained my actions.
Now that I’ve been caught, he’s probably thinking about all the times that I “just knew” something and he probably feels like a fool. And in addition to thinking of all the times that I probably violated his trust and privacy in the past, he is probably pretty certain I’ll do it again in the future, especially if times get tough and I start to worry. I had to make sure that I understand the gravity of what I did, it wasn’t about what I saw anymore, it was about violating his trust and privacy, so in other for him to know that I’ll NEVER snoop again and Ever again,
In order to believe that, I made him: ( I hope he believed me)

• Understand why I snooped.
• Understand what I was feeling to make me feel like you had no choice but to snoop.
• Understand that I am sorry and that you know it was wrong.
• Understand what I’ll do from now on so that I’ll never do it again.

2) I had to face the music.
Once I said my piece, I had to let him say whatever he has to say. I did not argue with him, did not fight him and did not try to justify my actions or defend myself. Believe I was just apologizing, there’s no spinning this, I was clearly in the wrong here and if he feels I am trying to squirm my way out, it’ll just complicate things straight up.

3) I reminded him how much I love him and that I only snooped because I was afraid I’d lose him.
OK, after I had listened to him (REALLY listened and let it sunk in), I then reminded him of how much I value him (In case he had forgotten)  I reminded him of how much I love him and I was afraid I’d lose him – and that’s why I felt compelled to snoop and risk violating everything with him. I told him I felt overwhelmed by my fears of losing him because I love him so much. (This were all genuinely feelings and was all coming from the bottom of my heart) I have never been genuinely sorry in my life, this was the first time, because I saw a man who loved me for who I am and I almost ruin it all.

4) I apologized and vowed to NEVER, EVER, EVER snoop again.
Once I shared how much I love him and we both talked it through, I then sincerely apologize. (From the bottom of my heart because this man was ready to let go of the relationship, based on other things I am not able to share on here), however he said he needs time and space to think about it all.
I can’t guarantee he or she will stay or even give you a chance to defend yourself, however, following these steps will give anyone the best possible chance of redeeming themselves and repairing the damage to their relationship.


Guys pick up on when you “know something” and now that you already have a strike against you, he’ll be especially sensitive if he gets the sense that you know something you shouldn’t have known. If he decides to stay with you, he might even set a “trap” to test to see if you’ll snoop again.
So I would urge you to go legit from now on.

PS:
Hopefully this will be the wake up call needed (It definitely was for me) to stop snooping around going forward – it’s not worth it. I learnt that it is better to communicate your fears, worries, doubt etc with your partner rather than violate their privacy.


Love Life & Stop Snooping!

Olori Amope.
Twitter @OloriAmope

Don't Quit!

I came across this poem on www.onlythebible.com and the words got to me especially at this very moment and I thought I had to share with anyone out there going through whatever in their life... I almost gave up but this really cheered me up and gave me hope. Have faith, believe and Don't Quit No Matter What!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but all you do is sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit

Rest if you must, but don't you quit...

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out,

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow,

Success is failure turned inside out

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So, stick to the fight when you are hardest hit

It's when things seem worst that YOU MUST NOT QUIT.

Love Life xx