Live an Inspired Life.

Over the years I use to beat myself up for things I could have done or should have done, I later realized that living a life of guilt for the things you could or should have done is no way to live. It took me a while to snap out of this life but one faithful day I decided it is time and chose instead to live an inspired life taking advantage of every moment and opportunity that comes my way. This made me realize that when you choose to or are living an inspired life, there are simply no regrets, only promises and hope for a better future.

Side Bar: I have said throughout my journey I will share my views and experience. So how do you live an inspired life starting today?

Living an inspired life means you are running your own race, following your own path and your own dreams. So many people are forced onto a path by others that they completely lose touch with their own dreams. People will often say and do whatever they feel is right, however, what might be right for them may not be right for you. Everyone has their own opinion and perspective about things, this perspective is colored by their own beliefs, values and assumptions and does this make it wrong or right? Not necessarily. It’s just an opinion, and yes everyone is entitled to their own opinion, however don’t build your life solely based on what other people think is best for you, I know someone who always base their decision on the majority’s opinion… (You know when someone already made a decision but needs others backup) and apparently “majority cannot be wrong” or “the majority are older so they know better” I mean, why should you let other people decide for you? Is it their life? No… Remember it is your life and you have absolute control over your life, do not let other people’s opinion affect your own decision, do not allow people think for you or make your mind up for you.

To live an inspired life you have to improve yourself, and focus on self-improvement, after a certain event in my life, I literally had to pinch and tell myself that rather than wallow in self-pity all day, I can actually learn so many things in this world and make something better of myself. I mean I had to think about all the skills I could learn or all the knowledge I could possibly gain. I noticed that all these things are available and at my disposal as long as I am willing to go out there and make them my own. So think about the different ways you can improve yourself, your interactions with others, and the world around you. You have the full power to activate these changes today, take positive action to make these things solid in your life. Spend your time wisely and prudently on the most important things that have the greatest meaning in your life. If you are not living a life built around your core values and passions, then you are not really living at all. You are just taking up space living life without purpose. You need to outline what it is you’re passionate about, clarify what your core values are, live your life with purpose every single day and spend time with people who encourage, motivate, inspire, love and support you, people that will be there for you when things get difficult.

You have to step outside your comfort zone and try something different and new. I know most of us like our comfort zone after all that’s our safe zone, but really we can only discover something new about ourselves if we try something else from the norm that we are used to, what have you got to lose? I know for most people, this is definitely not how they will choose to live their lives, they’d rather try and avoid variety at all costs, and instead live a mundane existence and at the end of it they end up regretting the things they failed to do, or never even attempted. I had to leave my comfort zone and try things I wouldn’t even think of doing, and guess what, I am glad I did, because I had that sense of fulfillment and know that I am truly living and experiencing life in all its glory. Hence say “yes” more often to new experiences and do something new and different that can help you to enlarge your horizons. As a matter of fact, welcome variation into your life. All of these things will help you add another unbelievable layer to your life that will make every moment worth living. You need to learn to overcome your fears, your fears are really there to help you learn and grow into your full potential as a human being, to help make life interesting and exciting. Many people see their fears as these dreadful giants that is about to swallow them and because of this, they are afraid to confront their fears. Do not let your fears control your decisions and actions, they are there to help you learn new things and experience the world from a different perspective. They are there to help you break new boundaries and to live the life of your dreams.

It’s natural for us to resist the natural alterations of life and the changes that often take place. It’s is usually those surprising changes that hit us unexpectedly that create the biggest resistance.  I have had to deal with an unexpected change recently and trust me it is not easy, however, change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very good thing. One thing I have come to realize about this life is that things will change; nothing will ever stay the same no matter how hard you try. It is difficult to accept change, I remembered been hit by an unexpected change, I didn’t have a choice but to welcome this change into my life, in that moment, I had very limited perspective of where this change will take me in the future, but now I reflect back and I realized how important and significant they were for my growth and development, Life is in a continuous change and transition, and so are you. So my advice is not to resist these changes that life throws your way. Embrace them and make the most of them to help you move your life forward.

Many people reach the end of their own life wishing they could have spent their time differently on things that mattered most to them. Unfortunately, at that stage it’s a little too late. They never got a chance to experience life as it should have been lived. Don’t let this be you. Your life is completely in your hands. It’s your choice to either live it with purpose or with regret. What choice will you make today?

Until next time…. Live an Inspired Life.

Love Life & Mulberry

Olori Amope xx

Love Is....?

  
I have been a little under the weather lately but thank God I am recovering (seriously all I want to do all day everyday is sleep) good it’s the weekend so I plan to spend my Saturday sleeping (Don’t blame me, I’ve had a very hectic week)
Anyway!

I had no idea what I wanted to write about and I definitely did not know how to express what’s on my mind, but I will write as my spirit leads. Seriously it took me a while.

Recently, I've been reading (Kind of) a lot on love, forgiveness and relationships trust me I know I am not competent to tell anyone about love, but I suddenly felt like being an advocate for Love. We all know that love is not full of roses; a love that appears sweet at the beginning definitely has sharp thorns on the way.  If you have ever fallen in love, (like me) you will realize that it is almost the loveliest thing on earth and also the saddest; (Correct me if I am wrong), very confusing at times, but still with sweet memories. I have once tasted/experienced/felt that sweet-delectable-hot-treacherous-passionate love before and of course the both of us got burned on the way out, but one thing I learnt is that "When it is true love, then nothing can be compared". Don’t worry about the heartbreak as they heal with time, the tears dry within seconds (ok may be once you fall asleep) however the laughter, the joy and the happiness…… trust me they can never be replaced! These are the beauty of LOVING!

The crazy aspect of loving is the torture of the doubt (Did I say doubt). You don’t ask questions, yet you’re not sure if you are doing the right things or not. You have no idea where you stand in the relationship and you wonder every day if you’re the only one or wonder at night if you’ll still be in a relationship by the morning. When you do ask the questions, you are still uncertain if your partner loves you like you do.

I must confess that I have been guilty of this part of loving; although mine was in a different form. I kept asking myself if I was good enough, what I was doing wrong, why this whole thing is happening and if it was all worth it. My issue was that an idea had been firmly engrained in my mind that kept making me feel uncertain, and once an idea has been fixed in my head, it never comes out. No matter how hard I try to forget, I just can’t. And my subconscious takes them serious that I later refer to those statements in my mind whenever I feel unworthy, making me more certain that I definitely was the problem or was the one doing something wrong or wasn’t good enough. I say this is my own worst part in loving and it’s undeniably the toughest!

Now, the worst part of love to some people and definitely the easiest part for me is the heartbreak. I said it’s the easiest for me simply because the torture is finally over, I mean the tears are over and done with, the emotional tortures? Over! When you’ve gotten to this stage, I don’t see any use wailing over spilt milk. You are supposed to just get up, pick up the pieces and do something meaningful with your life. You make yourself happy and inspire your mind with lovely things. Tell yourself over and over that you deserve so much better and you are “always going to be best thing he/she never had”,, go shopping (in my case buy yourself that Chanel bag after all you deserve it plus you’re not thinking straight at this moment J so suffer the bank balance pain later) tell yourself again that you deserve better and to be happy, and then make yourself desirable.. 

Did I hear you say heartbreak???

And finally, the easiest part of loving to some but definitely the most difficult part for me is moving on... (Seriously I struggle) I just don’t know how to do it. Sorry but I have loved in a specific place, and invested all my emotions, time etc and moving on seems near impossible for me. (But we have to move on right?) I can try going on a gazillion dates, and have an affair and some, but love is once in a lifetime for me... the best I could possibly do is pretend to move on, and make myself worthy.

Having said all that, don’t get it twisted Love is the most beautiful thing/feeling in the world and it doesn’t hesitate to keep a smile on my face everyday...

PS: I/We will always LOVE YOU J

 

Love Life & Chanel J

Olori Amope xx

 

Never Let a Man Define Who You Are.

I do hope I am not sounding like a sexist, please don’t get me wrong I do love men, but I am always in support of girl power. Yes you heard right!

So I have had this on my mind for a while after watching Nollywood (African Hollywood), Nollywood movies are predictable, some don't even make sense and sometimes I always feel this cannot happen for real, and then minutes later I'm like hang on, it happened to so and so, oh I have experienced something similar. I have one way or the other experienced what I blog about or have close relationship with someone who has. At a particular stage/age in my life I realized that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away and if he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. We as a woman need to stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle: If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay in a relationship because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? (I know some people will attack me for this statement). Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. 

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later: I always think this statement is a bit unfair on the men… but then again speaking from experience and I mean personal experience I’m afraid to say its very true, they do use it against you and I personally think such  man is an insecure egocentric bastard (Pardon my words). Don’t get me wrong I am not saying hide things from your man, all I am saying  is have your own cherished little secret. 

You cannot change a man's behavior: Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. I cannot stress this enough, a man will always be a man and trust me you cannot change him, (Only God ) and of course unless he wants to change himself, then you can help him.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...Compromise is a two way thing; you should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Oh I love dating, dating is fun, you get to know more about each other, enjoy each others company from the usual norm and this goes to married couple as well, never stop dating each other, date night, holiday, weekend away etc. its fun. Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. (My Opinion).

The Fear of Being Alone:  As this has always been my fear, I am so glad one way or the other I was able to overcome it, ( I am not completely there yet) see happiness is a choice and comes from within, “oh I am so lonely, oh I’m bored, who will have me if I let him go? The fear of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in hurtful relationships. My mother once said to me that “no matter how much you love a man or how much he loves you always know that you are the best thing that could ever happen to anyone  and make him (the man) understand that if he maltreats you he will never find anyone  better”. And trust me if you make that known to them and they still maltreats you, and then he'll miss out on a good thing, after all the bible also says "He that finds a wife, finds a good thing". If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one, they're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts... 

PS: Never let a man define who you are. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

Love Life & Mulberry

Olori Amope.

Snooping! A very bad and terrible must stop habit.

I was having a conversation with two close friends of mine (luckily a male and female) about Snooping in a relationship, from a man’s perspective he said it’s a no no, from a woman, I did agree however to some extent… there might be a reason behind it, we noticed my female friend kept mute, I wondered what was going on. So I asked Liz (I have just used a random name for confidentiality) I hope you are ok, can see you are not contributing.

Alas… Liz has a whole lot to say…..

My past relationships and my last marriage hasn’t exactly been the best of them all, I have previously been with men who constantly cheat and think once they tell you they love you or spend their entire time with you then it is alright for them to cheat with other girls. Some I have had the privileged to catch them and others got away with it by lying. I have this gift, I say it’s a gift because I know it is (Lol) if a man is lying to me I can easily tell, especially if they are an open book, (Easy to read).

"My new relationship was going on well, I had no reason to doubt" (mainly because we had dated before and we had always loved each other)

However there was a hiccup….. Another chick (Apparently just friends)
So he told me about this lady and how they met and he was going to travel over 4000miles to see her and potentially date her… ok that got me really jealous like no man had ever done that for me before (with genuine intentions), but we continued seeing each other and hoping things will go according to plan which eventually did, met his family and extended, friends, took a life time commitment out for me in his name. So with all these I had no doubt he loves and want to spend the rest of his life with me.

Paranoia & Insecurities………..
These two are bitches, they can ruin something good and they almost ruin mine (I was determined not to let them) … for some reason I knew he was not telling me the real truth, but because he knew a whole lot about my past I felt is he saying/doing things to protect me or is he telling the truth I was not sure.

One day I accidentally glanced at his phone when he was beside me and I noticed he was chatting to this dear lady of his, so the next day I innocently asked about the lady and the response I got did not tally. So stupidly I developed an habit of snooping around in my relationship and I finally got caught one morning, he caught me and I apologized and promised it will never happen again and believe me it did not happen for a while, till when my paranoia spirit cropped up again and I started the snooping game and this time I saw things that kept making me return almost every 2 weeks, believe me it was not pleasant for me, whilst 80% of me knew he loved me wholeheartedly, the other 20% was being pushed by my paranoia, I wanted this man to myself so bad, I did not want to share him with another woman, I am done sharing I want to be selfish this time, even though it wasn’t cheating, it was only flirting I still did not want it.

But this time I got caught and I go caught real bad
So here is the question:
Is there anything one can do for damage control? Do men get over such behavior?
It is important to remember that no matter what happened I did in fact violate his trust and privacy on a pretty deep level. As one can’t have a meaningful relationship when it’s not built on a solid foundation of trust. (Hey boo if you are reading or stumble on this… I do trust you and I am sorry)
Here are what I did  for a chance of repairing  my relationship (I am still in the begging zone and praying he listens.)

1) I explained my actions.
Now that I’ve been caught, he’s probably thinking about all the times that I “just knew” something and he probably feels like a fool. And in addition to thinking of all the times that I probably violated his trust and privacy in the past, he is probably pretty certain I’ll do it again in the future, especially if times get tough and I start to worry. I had to make sure that I understand the gravity of what I did, it wasn’t about what I saw anymore, it was about violating his trust and privacy, so in other for him to know that I’ll NEVER snoop again and Ever again,
In order to believe that, I made him: ( I hope he believed me)

• Understand why I snooped.
• Understand what I was feeling to make me feel like you had no choice but to snoop.
• Understand that I am sorry and that you know it was wrong.
• Understand what I’ll do from now on so that I’ll never do it again.

2) I had to face the music.
Once I said my piece, I had to let him say whatever he has to say. I did not argue with him, did not fight him and did not try to justify my actions or defend myself. Believe I was just apologizing, there’s no spinning this, I was clearly in the wrong here and if he feels I am trying to squirm my way out, it’ll just complicate things straight up.

3) I reminded him how much I love him and that I only snooped because I was afraid I’d lose him.
OK, after I had listened to him (REALLY listened and let it sunk in), I then reminded him of how much I value him (In case he had forgotten)  I reminded him of how much I love him and I was afraid I’d lose him – and that’s why I felt compelled to snoop and risk violating everything with him. I told him I felt overwhelmed by my fears of losing him because I love him so much. (This were all genuinely feelings and was all coming from the bottom of my heart) I have never been genuinely sorry in my life, this was the first time, because I saw a man who loved me for who I am and I almost ruin it all.

4) I apologized and vowed to NEVER, EVER, EVER snoop again.
Once I shared how much I love him and we both talked it through, I then sincerely apologize. (From the bottom of my heart because this man was ready to let go of the relationship, based on other things I am not able to share on here), however he said he needs time and space to think about it all.
I can’t guarantee he or she will stay or even give you a chance to defend yourself, however, following these steps will give anyone the best possible chance of redeeming themselves and repairing the damage to their relationship.


Guys pick up on when you “know something” and now that you already have a strike against you, he’ll be especially sensitive if he gets the sense that you know something you shouldn’t have known. If he decides to stay with you, he might even set a “trap” to test to see if you’ll snoop again.
So I would urge you to go legit from now on.

PS:
Hopefully this will be the wake up call needed (It definitely was for me) to stop snooping around going forward – it’s not worth it. I learnt that it is better to communicate your fears, worries, doubt etc with your partner rather than violate their privacy.


Love Life & Stop Snooping!

Olori Amope.
Twitter @OloriAmope

The 5 Reason That Cause Women To Settle!

I work in Finance and I work with 6 guys and as the only female, they have tagged me "The Female Boss on a Mission", reason best known to them. We all get along so well and chat alot and talk generally about life, relationship etc. So the other day one of my work colleague ask me why I'm not in a rush to get married, even at my age.... I was shocked, like seriously.......What a question;

He then ask if I don't get any pressure based on the fact that my friends and cousins are getting married; my response was Im not in a rush because I don't want to get married for the wrong reasons. He then said NO its because I'm too picky.(Eyes Rolling)

Well a lot of women are being too picky but aren't the majority quick to settle with someone who isn’t good enough for them?” And he’s right. However ‘settling’ is not the sole practice of the females, men settle too, crucially the difference is found in how men and women behave after they settle.


On the other hand when a woman settles she will justify her choice by claiming
a) We just don’t understand ‘him’ and he’s a good person really that he’s going to change. As a result when this woman’s mother, siblings and closest friends (justifiably) express their frustration and anger over her choice of partner she will probably dump them and not him.

I am fully aware that when a woman is determined to settle nothing (that includes cheating, violence and mental abuse) will change her mind until she comes to the personal realisation that she deserves more.

I thought I’d enlighten my readers to the top 5 reasons that cause women to settle.


1) It’s a Number Game...

As there are more women than men in the world inevitably we have a situation where there is an excessive demand for good men but a limited supply. As such a woman who is attractive, educated, intelligent, employed actually depletes the number of men available to her.

And it’s not because there aren’t enough men that embody these traits but it’s one of the cruel facts of life that the more successful a woman is the more bat shit she attracts. So it’s all in the numbers. Most of the good men have already been snapped up or have the awareness that they are rare commodities and are unwilling to be tied down.


2) She Likes the drama...

Perfect/good/normal men are boring. And there’s nothing wrong with being boring. Boring is a good thing. I like the fact that my blood pressure is boringly normal, some things just don’t need to be exciting. However some women love excitement and drama. Therefore they’d rather settle and be in a toxic relationship than be in a functional (boring) partnership.


3) The Messiah Complex...

Just as many men are attracted to crazy women, many women are attracted to damaged men. Whilst I have never met a man who has tried to rehabilitate a crazy woman, I have met countless women who engage in the Sisyphean task of trying to change a damaged man. Some say it’s because such women are naturally altruistic but I think it’s because they have Messiah complexes. Memo to the women who like to ‘save the day’- save yourself first.


4) Insecurity...

I actually wasn’t going to include this factor because it’s so cliché. You know how it is, the overweight, overpaid, overstupid American talk show host says to an overweight, unemployed and equally stupid guest ‘Girl you need to love yourself can’t you see you’re beautiful? Stop being so insecure you can do better than him girl!’


5) The (bitter) single friend/relative..

Let me give you a social fact. In every single family and female clique there is a woman who is perpetually single and very bitter about it. If you don’t believe me then the chances are you are that woman or too closely related to that woman to recognise her plight.

Becoming ‘that’ single woman is every woman’s nightmare. And it’s not that women are afraid of being single….but they’re afraid of being labelled the bitter single one. Ergo even if he cheats, steals and has a weed habit that means he finishes all the food in the fridge she’ll stick around because ‘at least I’m not Chardonnay’.

Love Life

Olori Amope xx
Follow me on twitter @oloriamope